Part I:

Journal


Reactivated 10/25/98

Use edit find function with the journal entry date you have not yet read, e.g. 10/26/1997 or 11/2/97 to catch up with the latest "news"! The other dates will be eventually updated to the search format of mm/dd/yy. The new ones are added on in this style. Starting 11/8/1997 new entries are being made on days of significant events only!


9/20/1996

In his last Sunday cartoon ( 12/31/95 ), Bill Watterson, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes comic strip had his characters engage in the following conversation, while they were about to go down hill on a fresh new snow slope:

Calvin: "Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful?"
Hobbes: "
Everything familiar has dissapeared! The world looks brand new!"
Calvin: "
A new year...A fresh, clean start!"
Hobbes: "
It's like having a big, white sheet of paper to draw on!"
Calvin: "
A day full of possibilities!"
Calvin: "
It's a magical world, Hobbes, Ol' buddy..."
As they gleefully speed the hill...
Calvin says: "
Let's go exploring."

That is how I feel starting this journal! Bill Watterson is one of the people whom I admire. Having made enough money, he was adventurous enough to change, try something new...not get stuck in a rut, not having the "He who has the most toys: wins" attitude. Any person wanting to be happy would benifit from reading his cartoon books! If you are a 'webbie', I have given you a start to a web site! Happy hunting!


10/6/1996

Happiness due to intoxication, no matter of what kind, is spurious.

                                                 Bertrand Russell

Here old Bertie meant the dictionary meaning "not genuine, authentic or true...counterfeit. To the dictionary meaning I add that it is only temporary and often causes other complications that are not beneficial in the long range. The addicts have severe cognitive, psychological, or physical problems and alcohol abuse (or any other addiction) is only a symptom...For most people good cognitive reconstructuring results in either return to moderate use or abstinence.


10/26/1996

Well, I had other plans when all of sudden many, many events happened in my life! Nothing really bad, just too many things at once. That is the time when I kick in my "priority scheme". Mental health comes first, then physical health, maintaining family, catching up on my job and, finally, some enjoyment, then leaving something for posterity...

Let me finish with a quote from Seneca: " As long as you live, keep learning how to live!"

By the way Colin Powell's book, as read by Dick Estell(sp?) on National Public Radio, seems to be very interesting in a way that shows the naivite' of the author and yet tells me a lot more of the inside workings of "politics" which I have extensively studied (but avoided joining throughout my life). My only indictment of the man would be if he knew of"Gulf War Syndrome" and let the poor soldiers think that it was all in their imagination. (Of course, neither he, Schwartzkopf, Bush or Clinton, have written about it in their memoirs.) I can accept their callousness and cowardice, but I cannot and will not condone it. Even Perot has not found fit to stand up for the "cannon fodder" on this issue.


11/1/1996 (Friday, 10:23 pm)

Everything evolves. I am really fighting the computer. I know it will win, it will outlive me! But, meanwhile, good buddy, I am having fun.


11/3/1996 (Sunday, 6:35 am)

Newly crystallized unpleasant reality: everything I want to accomplish and experience on this earth, I will not get done before I "kick the bucket". Working toward acceptance and ameliorating its effects: "shit happens!"; so I better prioritize and schedule the day (week, month, year, 5 years), just like the commies in their centralized (and what they thought, scientific planning, eh?)

I guess that I will not die with my inbasket empty, eh? ;-) 


11/28/1996 (Thursday, 6:33 pm)

Acceptance of mortality

In my adult life twice before, once at 18 and once at 43, I faced the possibility of my ceasing to exist. The first time a callow youth, I arrogantly ignored three cardiologists' warnings and kept on playing soccer against their advice although I had a heart murmur. The second time at 43, a cancer scare brought me to my knees, I "basket cased" it. Just held out long enough in my fear, until the threat of death and suffering passed. This time at the age of 59 there is a slight possibility of cancer, I would estimate it one in a hundred. But since I my mother at 93 had to be placed in a nursing home, and my sister's husband has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, I decided to start facing the fact that sooner or later simple aging process or one of the incidental things such as my heart condition, high blood pressure, high pressure job, my generally exhausted state or cancer will catch up with me.

While travelling to Ohio, to try to work out a means of keeping my mother out of a nursing home, in Chicago airport I picked up the book, How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter by Sherwin B. Nuland. A most admirable, honest work by a doctor who teaches surgery and history of medicine at Yale and is the author of Doctors: The Biography of Medicine. For me it was edifying to read passages like this one: "When my time comes, I will seek hope in the knowledge that insofar as possible I will not be allowed to suffer or be subjected to needless attempts to maintain life; ... I am seeking it [hope] now, in the way I try to live my life, so that those who value what I am will have profited by my time on earth and be left with comforting recollections of what we have meant to each other." To which at the age of fifty nine I can add that I am comforted by the fact that I lived a good, nonconformist, wild, well-lived life, drinking the wine down to the dregs, and then the dregs in hope of getting another drop along with the dregs. I have been lucky blessed with a determination to learn what life is all about, a wife who tolerates me, and a son who is comming into his own-having chosen his own goals in life. Some people brag about their friends in high places, I liked those in "low" places better, they were less phony.

As for the rest of my days, the focus of my life is clear: as Nuland says live life like you would live forever (which is easier for those of us who live life like this is our last day). Contradictory, you say? Nay. It means: give tomorrow it's due, and then squeeze from today all the joy you can. If you are afraid of death or suffering go about your daily chores, perhaps mechanically during the first stages of fright, but as you get more and more involved in the things you want or are required to do in order to gain your goals, you will spend less and less time thinking about death or about suffering.

And again things boil down to the basics, assigning priorities, working on your priorities, enjoying life to the fullest, and defining how you want to act. What is the most I would miss if I would die within two months? A cold glass of good beer! (I promised myself that I would show myself that I can do what I might ask others to do if I thought that they drank too much. I would ask a person to prove to himself that he can abstain for a set time-say 3 to 4 months and, then, simply abstaining even unto death. When I made this pact with the devil, I had no idea that I would have a minor cancer scare. But a promise is a promise.)

Monday I start on working six 10 hour days per week and sneaking in a colonoscopy. Then I will try to help a friend of mine who has been terminated find a new job. Diet, exercise, evolving computer skills, walking the dogs, getting my mother in a nursing home near here, setting up Latvian fonts on my computer, reading Colin Powell's My American Journey, keeping the home fires burning, polishing my writing skills, finding my lost sense of humor,...I guess I have enough to do.


11/29/1996 (Friday, 10:23 pm)

Fighting the computer...Browsing the web came upon an interesting poem by Oyar Mickevics which I reworked using my own interpretation of reality:

Eat right and exercise,
Stay calm, philosophize.
Let your sense of humor in,
You don't always have to win.


12/1/1996

Back to the basics. I feel overwhelmed. The REBT practice asks one to follow these steps:

  1. Remind yourself how your emotions are formed. Use the simplified model that A->B->C
    In words, the Activating Event (A) evokes Beliefs or Attitudes (B) which lead to consequent
    feeling (C) and these feelings drive your actions.
  2. Remind yourself that B (Beliefs) can and better be changed if your attitudes are causing you stress
    or extreme discomfort or lead you to do things which are self-defeating. Beliefs which lead to self-
    defeating stress and prevent from getting your goals, as well as those that are not based on reality are called irrational.
  3. How do you get elliminate these irrational beliefs? By disputing them, vigorously, constantly, and methodologically. And then give yourself positive feedback by noting the effect. These are the elements D (discriminating between rational and irrational beliefs and disputing the irrational beliefs) and E is the effectiveand efficient beliefs and feelings as the result oft the disputation - F is the positive feedback - G is the observation of how it accomplishes your goals and H - is a touch of humor.

Now let me go through my problem of the day in the A->B->C->D->E->F->G format:

12/15/1996

A couple days ago I had my colonoscopy. Everything turned out O.K. What helped me with the procedure was "living every day as if I would live forever". On the morning of the procedure I went to my work, and after the procedure I did likewise. Being occupied was really healthy. Also having a closure with people who mattered to me helped.


1/29/1996

On 24 of January I had a birthday. This is my son's "roast speech":

RE: 60th Birthday
I’ll try to make it short but it’s in the genes.
My father the fanatic.
He’s not your regular run of the mill fanatic, but true to the bone fanatic, heart mind and soul fanatic.
Let me tell you what I mean.
He reads, yes in fact he has read not novels, but text, scholarly text, how to, when to’s, whose who’s, biographies, autobiographies, grammar, languages, manuals, physics, math, languages, social sciences, business, organizational behavior, sex, psychology, sociology, magazines, Time, Newsweek, Economist. In all he has consulted, skimmed, read and studied some 6,000 books.
There was never a time when he was with out a book for the current problem facing a family member, friend or associate.
Intellectual endeavors are not the end. He has skied, climbed mountains, hiked, biked and played racquet ball. He was an all American in soccer at Ohio State and has played an average of twice per week for 45 years. That is 104 times per year for some 4,680 games and he is still playing in the over 50 at age 60. No doubt he will organize the over 60 when he turns 70. One resently coined him the Energizer soccer bunny.
A constant weight watcher: he has a chart on the refrigerator that has more than 15 years of loss and gain. I looks like so many 7.0 quakes registered on the Richter scale.
Energizer reader, soccer player, weight watcher, school enthusiast, teacher, tutor, student.
...
Fix the car... he can’t shift it, but he can do everything else.
He is man of education, luck and shear determination, total dogged dedication, a methodical steamroller. He may be not so lucky as tenacious.
....
He once offered to tutor nightly a high school friend who had dropped out until he could regain current status.
Always the student, Ph.D., 2 masters, two nearly complete books, internet page, Latvian internet page, home page. The List doesn’t stop.
He loves to talk. Despite stuttering, he talks more than anyone I know. In fact he must have felt cut so short in media to communicate, that he taught himself 4 languages, so he could harass and advise people of those languages too.
Funny thing is, he has the car full of learning material. Despite 4 seats and a hatch back he has only room for one person to sit. Books, charts, clip boards and tapes fill all available spaces in the car. Want to learn German, REBT, Pascal.. just drive to work with him he will teach you, if there isn’t a book on the topic in there, there is a tape. He complained of being transferred to the Everett plant, but I’m not so sure it wasn’t planned. It gave him 2 hours of study time daily. The result, one year of commuting 15,000 miles on the car, and the Russian language was added to the list.
The result of all this learning... advice, advice on anything. Doesn’t know it he’ll get it. Can’t get it, improvise.
He calls himself the last of the mohicans.
Favorite saying "no one ever said schooling was free". The day I over spent, the day I lost the deal .. there your words hung...and yes even though you paid for college tuition, there was a price...Every time you call me to give me your latest words of wisdom I am reminded of those words (that is I think to myself) "no one ever said..."
...
Thank you for all the help. You are better than anyone would want. Without your help I don’t know where I would be. I may not have made it through college, still be in the Air Force, no application finished, no German learned, no math class passed, no physics class passed, it could have been ugly. Hell, I may not have learned to read and write. ..
And yes, I know you will enjoy these gifts. In fact, I’m sure that you will not be upset by them, because we know well by the teachings of Dr. Albert Ellis and his Rational Emotive Therapy that you are in control of your emotions. That you choose to be mad and that my rational action of purchasing a gift for you on your 60th birthday presents no emotion at all. So here are the gifts. Be happy or mad but don’t blame me.
If that does work, you can give me some advice on it later.
Immigrant, farm boy, athlete, scholar, father. He calls himself the last of the Mohicans. I believe him, and I love him. Thanks DAD, Happy Birthday.
Love,

Karl D. Neiders

Any more questions, why I stagnated. I need more discipline!


9/10/1997

Welcome back! Welcome back! Welcome back!

Funny thing happened to me on the way to happiness! Life got into my way: a) took on too much with remodelling of my house, b) wore myself out on my job, c) my mother was no longer able to cope on her own and, for her own sake, had to be put in a nursing home, d) my sister's cancer came back, e) I got some chronic illness that can't be diagnosed (night sweats, a chronic cough, difficulty to focus and concentrate, and aches in my joints) and interrupts my sleep, and f) got into some legal hassles (just like Clinton, although not for the same reasons). To top it off g) I got injured on the soccer field to take away my pleasure, h) gained twenty five pounds (while fighting my illness), i) got out of the rhythm of rational emotive thinking, j) over emphasized with my son's temporary problems, k) am experiencing some tightness in my chest, and l) started on my stuttering therapy. Meanwhile, I also m) had a cancer scare and n) other minor health problems. In other words, if I applied myself, I could easily run through the alphabet listing the negative items that are part of one's life. But there is more to life...

Some of the positives are obvious: a) I am alive, b) I did not have cancer, c) I have a plan to get through my legal problems, d) I have the rational emotive philosophy of life that can lead me through difficulties, e) I have actually sat down and am starting my journal again, f) my son is doing well on his job, g) he has a good relationship with a woman, h) my son and I have a good relationship that is evolving, i) my wife and I are getting along well, j) the house did get remodeled and it was what my wife wanted, k) I still have my job and have not had any problems with it, although it is challenging, l) yes, I have started to put final touches on describing the stuttering therapy based on REBTcalled REBToS (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy of Stuttering) and I am learning things even as I expound on it, m) I got some training on my job, n) I have a plan to lose weight even though presently I can't play soccer, o) I appear to have no heart problems, p) I am financially rather well off, even if I chose to retire now, q) my sight is doing well, r) so is my hearing...it is strange how we take our health and our senses for granted and are too unaware to enjoy them to the fullest while we have them. But enough of statusing...

The first step now is to stabilize what I have, then proceed in evolving ways to enjoy life to its fullest without placing demands on myself, others, and the world. See you tomorrow or tonight.


9/19/1997

I have taken the first steps: a) set my priorities, b) started following my priorites, c) and relished the fact that I have again taken charge of my life. In the area of health I stopped drinking coffee, went on a diet, and set regular time for sleeping.


10/5/1997

Once more with feeling I start to get my life together.


10/16/1997

Half measures availed us nothing...If you are willing to go to any lengths...

Thus begins my final march toward flowingness of speech. (Other Person's Who occasionally Stutter (PWoS) are focused on achieving 100% fluent speech, we in (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy of Stuttering) REBToS do not advise setting perfectionistic goals, because they invoke needless anxiety, which in turn tends to lead us back into stuttering.)

I have worked hard over years on the first step of REBToS, the unconditional self acceptance (USA). In this area I am quite rational, I accept myself no matter how well or poorly I do, no matter who likes me or does not, no matter what I own or don't, no matter what kind of traits I have or I don't have...

Today's assignment was to go all out, to go to any lengths, to nail down the challenging my irrationalities about this world. One that I have had from time to time is shame...I have been ashamed of some of my actions. To illegitimize shame, once and for all, I went to Eagle Hardware Store, bought a $10.56 (tax included) toilet seat. While standing in the checkout line I casually took it out of the box and hung it around my neck. Then writing out my check I asked the lady ahead of me what was today's date.

"October 16, I think" she replied unfazed as we looked each other straight in the eyes, without any hint of smile.

"Yes," chimed in the sales clerk, a pretty girl in early twenties, "today is the 16th." She was equally non-plused. "Do you want me to take the box?"

"Yes, I replied", and I felt that I handed the remnants of my shame together with the box for other people to dwell on. Then I walked out of the Seattle South Center Eagle hardware store free of shame, with a toilet seat hanging around my neck telling myself: "This is another time that I have shown myself that my feelings are to a very large degree dependent on my beliefs. I believe that this assignment of conquering shame will put help me towards the wholistic goals of REBToS.

These goals are:

a. Gaining unconditional self acceptance and speaking confidence,

b. Learning how to get more enjoyment out of life,

c. becoming involved in the mainstream of society,

d. pursuing the occupational and recreational goals of one's own choosing,

e. leaning to communicate effectively and freely without serious anxiety both in public and private situations,

f. significantly reduce stuttering behaviors, it is important to note that perfect fluency is not the goal, and

g. develop a sense of humor to help deal with the imperfectios in the world, others, and self.

So," I calmly continued in my self-talk, "Why can't I give up this species inherent tendency to feel ashamed, if in the long run I have all the above goals for my taking?" The answer to this rhetorical question, of course, was, "Sure I can. And I can have fun doing these type of things. Great fun!"

When I got in my car, however, I took the toilet seat off. Affectionately I lay it beside me on the car seat, to remind me that anytime I start to feel ashamed about anything, all I have to do is stop the car, put it on and go through another desensitization seance. Easy.

The reader might inquire, if wearing the toilet in the parking lot was good, why did I not keep on wearing it in the car? Good question! The damn toilet seat would act as a guillotine if I had to stop the car in a hurry! Besides that, the fanatical repetition of acts in therapy sometimes is not required; if the goal of changing the beliefs about shame has been achieved, why waste more time on it. The therapists who do not know what the goals of a certain homework assignment are and those that cannot tell how rational the client's beliefs have become, may resort to a set number of repetitions and sets of repetitions. The really honest self-therapist knows when he can stop. He does not have to perform an assignment until the outcome is perfect. And when I see the shame creeping back, I will take the toilet seat from the car and wear it anywhere that I will not get arrested or hurt (dear reader, the toilet seat is dangerous. Ralph Nader should have the manufacturers put on a warning, "not to we worn by PWoS out doing homework assignment it there is any danger of tripping!)

Thus, I conclude that even though there are practical advantages of not stuttering, there are real dangers in doing not well thought out stuttering therapy! Beware!


10/17/1997

Third step in REBToS I have accomplished by reading and thinking about what attitudes about stuttering are rational and which are not. By chatting on listserver STUTT-L@VM.TEMPLE.EDU, I have plenty of opportunities to expound the REBToS views ad nauseum.

The fourth step, learning an acceptable shaping technique, I started to work on while having insomnia this morning. For me it will be some type of (Earl Ray) "Jones Clone". Breathy onset of speech, low vibrant voice, slow deliberate speech rate plus somewhat elongated vowels. Now here is where I can practice the speech. One better feel all the aspects of speech forming at the beginning while he practices. This will be necessary in the transference stage. Right now sitting at my silly computer in the middle of the night inspired by my REBToS muse, listening to Billy Joel's CD's.

As I talk I understand why I use Person Who occasionally Stutters (PWoS) to denote myself. Words are important as General Semanticists will tell you. The way you talk to yourself forms your belief system. And the way you feel is significantly affected by your belief system, sometimes it seems to be not only a significant factor in how you feel, but the sole factor. So what is so sacred about the word PWoS? Why do we use it in REBToS? Because each time you use it, it is meant to invoke the following beliefs in the both the speaker and the listener:

1. Person is used to indicate a "wholistic definition". Each of us has millions of aspects, the one aspect that we stutter do not define us. The stuttering does not define us, we are defined by many million acts of kindness, act of courage, good intentions, longing for good things, and alse the poorly done, unfinished, even evil deeds...but to think that one is only a stutterer...hell no!

2. Who Stutters implies that it is indeed I who do the act of stuttering. Although I may not have a total control of it, I surely have a good deal of potential control, for example, by discarding my irrational feelings about stuttering (such as shame) and practicing shaping.

3. "occasional" is very important

(Ha, I thought of a new REBToS assignment: talking at the exact rate of your typing!!! This one is realy good!! I am truly excited. As Wendel Johnson, a general semanticist, might have said, "this is a type of fluency flooding". As shaping advocates might say this is good way to learn how to speak at a slow pace! From now on this will be my main technique of "Solitary Shaping". Now this is one exercise that I better be fanatical about because I have stuttered for 57 years and it will take some doing to learn another way of speaking. And it does make me so aware and I can be so deliberate about my speech. As I do this, I gain the belief (and here we have another real goal for this assignment) that I am totally forming my speech. And, by gawd, it is a good fluency practice. )

word because it reminds us that a) we better learn to accept the uncertainty of the world in general, the world is probabilistic, and the uncertainty about stuttering in particular. It comes and goes, but that is not awful, that should not make us anxious, because by now, my reader you and me both understand that there we can take it while we are on the way to less and less severe blocks and more and more infrequent blocks and that b) we are, thank goodness stuttering only occasionally in the day-even if we might stutter in all the social speaking situations. (For people with severe stutter I really recommend all kinds of desensitization: pseudo stuttering, straight REBT with a counselor, any kind contact with other stutterers in person, and only the type of therapy not promising 100% recovery, because these people only mess with your head). Since we stutter only occasionally it is very easy to conceptualize that we can improve bit by bit, if we hold onto good non-perfectionistic attitude and practice our tranference from "solitary shaping" to "social shaping".

Long, long day. Lot of " fluency shaping". Some rational realizations. The Stutt-L "family" has a lot of capability to further the state of art of stuttering therapy if we all don't get into petty hassles. I really do feel that the psychology coupled with techniques is there to help practically everybody to become a speaker that has little or no axiety about his speech and is a very good communicator. Also his speech would be without any major disfluencies and he would relish speaking situations.

It is amazing how much can be done if we don't care who gets the credit and who gets paid. 


10/18/1997

It is amazing how much can be done if we don't care who gets the credit and who gets paid. Sometimes a good phrase is worth repeating. To this end then I better tone down my shrillness about REBToS or else the result will be that nobody will even want to think or talk about it.

Next step is stabilization based on two rules: 1) acceptance that this task will require effort and will last a long time, maybe even lifetime and 2) understanding that the my normal voice will be replaced with Jones Clone's voice.

The change takes place in the following stages:

1. I made a decision to give up my normal voice, with sadness because I have had it for almost sixty years. It has been a friend, actually my oldest friend.

2. I have introduced myself to Jones Clone's voice. A low vibrant voice that I am deliberately in charge of, I am elongating the vowels, especially as I type, keeping all my voice forming mechanisms loose, keeping my mouth going, focusing on voice, being aware of it.

Start of creative notes not to be read by web surfers:

3. In order to conquer the stuttering syndrome I better also pay attention to the other component, maybe the main compent, the emotional part, the anxiety. There are two anxiety types identified by REBToS: A) ego anxiety which demands that I be righti because if I am wrong then I am not as worthwhile of a human being and this would be awful (this irrationality better be challenged by understanding a) that you really better not rate human beings based on successes and failures and b) that there is nothing awful in the universe ii.) B) discomfort anxiety, the anxiety based on the irrational thought that I can't postpone my enjoyment until later time and work on what I better work on now. iii

Some of the irrationalities associated with the transferring of Jones Clone's Voice are:

The following paragraphs will be in the REBT format. This format is as follows:

Ax - Activating event

Brx - Rational belief

Bix - Irrational belief

Cx - Consequence

Dx - Disputation

Ex - Effective new belief

For belief we can substitute self-talk

Here are some of the irrational beliefs (or self-talk) that I have about the transferring of the Jones Clone's voice

B1. I should not talk in a different manner. My D disputation is: Why not? T

i (and which probably will keep many, many a PWoS from trying this methodology and attaining more flowing, not perfect, {again I repeat the goal is not to become a perfect speaker-striving for excellence is desirable, striving for perfection is a symptom of emotional illness-} speech). (Because from General Semantics I have borrowed the concept that words are important (in colloquial speech, I am big on words), I have chosen to use flowing instead of fluent speech. This means that I want to emphasize and remind myself everytime I speak that having a block, especially ones that are cancelled, is OK. The goal is only to keep the voice flowing. )

ii. I would only define something as awful if I could not stand it. 100% inconvenient on the other hand means that there is absolutely no chance that I can ever enjoy anything again. Awful then means that it is more than 100% inconvenient, and that clearly is not possible.

iii T

Note: Consider doing an electronic REBToS marathon.

End of creative notes not to be read by web surfers:



10/19/1997

This is the letter I sent my son today:

Karl,
I have heard that some kids do things to be loved and respected by their parents. I hope that you are not thinking of going to grad school just because I went there. I love and respect you unconditionally. And my love and respect do not depend on whether you go to grad school or not. Albert Ellis and I really do not believe in self-esteem and esteem in general; one better just feel good about themselves and others because they exist, not because they have a degree, more money, better car, etc. All of those can be nice goals for their own practical intrinsic benefit, but not as a measuring stick of your success in life. Life is here to be enjoyed, whatever turns your crank is OK.
Love,
Dad
P.S. I only stayed in grad school because I did not want to go to work. My father and you have so much in common: You both think, and probably rightly so that Universities are the graveyards of great minds. You might well be right that I will not find a good course on the financial instruments of a corporation and the operation of money markets. In considering whether it pays for you to go to grad school you have to take into account 1) how much you will learn will help you, 2) is a degree going to help you getting along in this irrational society, i.e. does it have a snob appeal (if you only want to have it to show of there are a lot of diploma mills around), and 3) what is your real purpose of getting a degree.

October 19, 1997

RESTART of Marathon: 8pm Pacific Time

Summary

I am in the transference phase.

The last phase was establishing the Jones Clone's voice

The Jones Clone's voice is a deliberate, enunciated, slow, low, connected, loose vibrant voice with a constant rate of speed. The vowels are elongated. The voice mechanisms, the breathing mechanism, and the mind are relaxed. This type of speech is called flowing in REBToS.

I am giving a sample of the Jones Clone's voice on the tape for posterity *snile*!

Attitude snapshot:

I would rather be surfing the net and philosophizing about the causes of stuttering. However, these are interesting but irrelevant details, since at this stage they are only hypotheses and the practice of REBToS does not in any way depend on the causes for stuttering. Whether inborn or acquired the stuttering can be altered by the speaker in real time under his control. A counselor/coach present is a "nice to have".

Where do I go now? I will go to Safeway and get James Earl Jones movie The Field of Dreams. I will use my Jones Clone voice, and if possible I will advertise the stuttering therapy if I meet people who I know. As for example, if I would meet the store manager, I would say, "Mike, my therapy is progressing very well. I think that I will be able to talk more flowingly and be less anxious about my speech." My reader, I use the term flowingly because I do not expect a perfect application of the Jones Clone's voice.

Let me once more explain that "fluency" is the a measure with respect to frequency and duration of blocks. Flowingness is the measure of the constancy of the rate of speech. A more understandable definition will be formed, but I have placed a stake in the ground were I know what I am after.

As part of the marathon know I have given me the assignment to interact with people outside my home. I BETTER CONCENTRATE ON THE CONNECTIVITY OF MY SPEECH. At all stages in the marathon it is desirable to stop and have a good mental image of what and especially why I am doing it. When I run my marathons in the future, I will stop at random points and ask:

1) What are we doing

2) How are we doing

3) Why are we doing

4) What is the expected result in terms of a) self-talk, b) sound forming

---In the meanwhile I went with my wife in the car and discussed the progress in my therapy/marathon

In the medical jargon there is a term called curative. I will use an example to illustrate it! For instance, somebody has a broken leg. If it is set properly the leg fracture knits and after the bone heals then the muscles can be rehabilitated. The treatment is curative, since the leg is cured. Period. In chronic pain, however, the treatment is to have the individual live with his pain the best he can. There is also the symptom removal for a short period of time.

In stuttering we have to make sure that REBToS will be more than just a temporary symptom removal. The situation is more complicated because most people do not think that emotional upset, such as anxiety and shame, and the life avoidance is as much a part of the problem as the disfluency of the speech. (As I am typing this I am also recording my assignment of using Jones voice. Here I am not able to be as connected as I want to be. The practice better be such as to work on the connectedness, the continuity of the speech, by elongation of the vowels.) Back to the topic. Many of the so called therapies improve the fluency, but only temporarily. Others just ameliorate the symptoms. ....I don't know where I was going with this. I will follow up on it later.

Next step is stabilization

Then proceeding to challenges-new horizons for speech. Enough for today. Time to go to stuttering e-mail. 


10/20/1997

Today is the third day of my REBToS marathon. When I woke up I did the vibrant vowel exercises. Then I assumed by Jones Clone's voice. The next step was to redefine what stuttering syndrome really consists of:

1. Beliefs and self-talk that cause anxiety

2. Exaggerated emotions of shame and anxiety

3. Disfluent speech

4. Social life-avoiding behaviors

Place Marker for Cancer Treatment analogy

I really feel that I am flowing if I use the Jones Clone's voice.

I went to Dr. Johnson's office and was able to do my Jones Junior voice. I call it my JJ voice. When I speak in this relaxed low vibrant voice I am aware of my vocal cords oscilating. To get into the swing of having this JJ voice, I start pasing evaporative air over the vocal folds and then start to vibrate the vocal folds until the natural inhale comes. For me it is about 3 to 5 seconds. I do all of the five vowels in sequence, but not of the dipthongs. So that when I start on my JJ voice, I am aware of my vocal cords vibrating and I also elongate the vowels while making sure that the speech is continuous. I think I have successfully completed the transference phase.


10/21/1997

Today I am going to my SLP to record my ability to use JJ voice. I better watch that I do not get into the game of fluency. It is one of the hardest things for me not to try for perfect speech. As I said if you demand perfect performance so that you can attain perfectionistic goals you are only going to get perfectly screwed. The name of the game is minimum anxiety, a nice flowing speech, and good communication.

The encounter with my SLP could not have gone better. We made a contract verbal that in the room are three personna:

1. My SLP acting as my SLP.

2. Gunars acting as REBT therapist.

3. Gunars acting as PWoS.

All the sessions will be recorded on 8mm video tapes, which I get to keep.

There is an irrational belief held firmly by the the SLP's and PWoS, that one therapeutic fleuncy shaping technique interferes with another in some basic way. What nonsense! I can speak both Latvian and English, and learning Spanish, will not make me forget either of those languages.

Even I had a moment of doubt where I asked should I give S. my SLP a free rein how she works. Since, I had come 95 % percent of the way with REBToS why should I not just stick with it. After a good self-talk discussion between my rational and irrational selves, the rational self won out and said, "S. fluency shaping is as learning a new language. After I learn it, I will be able to incorporate some of the new aspects that I learn in the REBToS and I will win. Learning a new skill does not make you forget an old one on permanent basis."


10/22/1997

My wild creative period is over. I have a set of 50 e-mails with kernels of thought to be polished an placed into context on this website. The STUTT-L flurry of mail from my pen will slow to a trickle until all the good ideas that it generated are digested and integrated into REBToS.

For next month or so, I will pedantically go to my speech therapy and polish my material. Period.


10/23/1997

Summary of my physical health

The best hypotheses my doctors have to offer about my health is that I have chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) as a ressult of aan acute viral infection in which the symptoms seem to go on forever. The symptoms are known to be impacted by stress. My symptoms are also impacted when I go and play soccer as I did on Monday. The observations and treatment of this disease is based on two works Balter, R. and Unger, P. (1997, Fall). REBT Stress Management with Patients with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, 15:3, 223-230. and Lombard, J. and Germano, C. The Brain Wellness Plan. NY,NY: Kensington Books.

The treatment consists of: 1) stress mangagement, 2) proper diet, 3) exercise regimen, and 4) coaxing oneself to sleep better.

 

Progress in REBToS

I remain in phase 2 and 3 of REBToS. The success of a speaking situation better not be judged by fluency standards but by 1) application of JJ voice, 2) absence of anxiety, shame, and urgency and 3) flowingness of speech. Period. If fluency is entered in the mix, the therapy of stuttering becomes counterproductive. The old adage still holds stuttering is what we do to avoid stuttering. It is so important to keep fluency out of the mix, that a special exercise has been invented to do this. I am also flooding with JJ voice when I am alone and also doing ah-e-ee-o-oo exercises (Vowel exercise).


10/24/1997

Health

My doctor suggested that I have an stress test.

REBToS

Today I gave myself the assignment to use Kissinger's voice in every situation. However, it was such a momentous day that I did not always do it. Momentous? I was enjoying the stock tip that I gave to my son pay off. He made $5,000 on the stock market on Amazon.com. When I was talking about it with my coworkers I just did not use Kissinger's voice. But 30% success is a good start. No perfection. Note the goals that I choose will never involve fluency: only carrying out assignment, being relaxed and unashamed, and flowing.


10/25/1997

Health

Still sicker than a dog. Started on a spartan diet and a graduated exercise plan.

REBToS

It was simply fascinating to watch myself attempting to use my "Kissinger voice". I counted 5 solid successes, 3 so so sucesses, and 7 failures. A failure was when I did not apply my technique. It is really hard to talk myself into only looking at application of technique as a goal and not focusing on fluency. However, my experience has shown me that 1) application of technique yields good flowing communication and 2) focusing on fluency yields more anxiety and, hence, in me a choppy, unnatural way of speaking, although sometimes an outside observer would not categorize my speech as stuttering.

 


10/26/97

Health

Understood that stress management will have to come in play. Good thing I have REBT techniques!

Diet

  1. Breakfast: 1/4 cup oat bran, 1/4 cup dried fruit, 1 package Quaker Instant Oatmeal microwaved with 9 oz of milk,
  2. Lunch: Healthy Choice Lean Pocket and 1 tomato,
  3. Snack: 1 lb canteloupe or other melon,
  4. 4 pm: Healthy Choice dinner, green veggies & 1 tablespoon mayo,
  5. Supper: 1 piece of fish, big salad bowl with olive oil, vinegar, and 1/4 feta cheese,
  6. Bedtime: 2/3 cup green frozen peas microwaved, 1 apple
  7. To prevent the small intestines attacking the big intestine: Metamucil for bulk, green veggies at will, and some more mellon.

REBToS

The plague of fluency, and the irrational thoughts that I can become a perfect speaker have set upon me. This, for me, is the harderst part about therapy. This is where I fall down. Instead of focusing as a goal to have flowing speech, when the pink cloud fluency hits me, I tend to incorporate the following sequence of self-talk:

Existential Gunars: Well, here I am working on my Kissinger voice, and I have not had a block in three situations talking with a stranger.

Irrational Gunars: So, I have found the cure. I can now go on and do everything I wanted to do in life. All I have to do is work a little harder and I will be there.

Luckily I have the Rational Gunars: I am amused. We, the three muskateers, have gone through this many a time in our lifetime. Let us just play that tape to the end. We become more fluent, we place demands on ourselves to be perfect, we obsess like the devil,...then one disfluency occurs, we no longer think of ourselves as invincible, but we need to be perfect. We create stress. We fall into the stuttering syndrome again. We are screwed.

Existential Gunars (sighing: I guess, Rational Gunars-may I call you Ratsy for short, you are right. I better just focus on Kissinger voice, be happy with my flowing speech and acknowledge I will always stutter. Instead of obsessing about perfection, I can convince myself that flowing speech is "plenty good".


10/27/97

Health/Stress Management

By examining my self-talk, I found out that I have a self-generated feeling of urgency. I am telling myself the following nonsense: Just because I want to invest in stock market, update my web site, spend 8 hours on the job, exercise, and work on my stuttering syndrome, I have to do all of them and do them perfectionalistically well. The disputing of this irrationality is the question: Where is the evidence I should? Of course, I can't find any reason why I have to. There would be some adavantages, if I could do all of these things. But not always! If I would have invested in the stock market now, I would have taken a "bath". Seven percent drop in all the market indicators today.

I also discovered a good anti urgency exercise. I exit from the restaurant where I go to eat on a real busy thoroughfare. I could exit through a torturous back way, but waiting for the traffic to let me in is a very, very good REBT anti-urgency exercise. Especially, if I monitor my self talk and modify it so I am calm. For example, "This situation is a good exercise to learn non-urgency."

Another stress relief method is not to push myself past my endurance. It is 8:15, I have been up since 5:30, so in fifteen minutes I will stop even if I am in mid sentence.

REBToS

Thank goodness I have rational self talk. I had one rough speaking situation. I sat down with myself and said: "Some days are diamonds, some days are stones. But this one does not even have to carry into the next speaking situation." Then, I calmly went into the next speaking situation, and did my assignment of Kissinger's voice so much better. (I wish I had my sound clip, to show the reader what the Kissinger voice is.)


10/28/97

Health

Still tired. I recognize that I better cut back on how much I want to do each day. Work, stuttering therapy, stock market study, exercise are my erstwhile priorities.

REBToS

The hardest thing for me in therapy is not to fall for the false idol of fluency. Flowingness of speech is the better of the goals. Fluency is the f word! Don't ever use it except in the context of false god, a mirage. Even talking about the success of REBToS, I better not mention the term fluency. Period.

I went to a stuttering therapy group and was really saddened by one of the participants. He was so into protecting his ego, he wanted to be fluent so much, that naturally we had some of the hardest blocks I have seen in a while. Not being a sophisticated person, he has been banged around by life so much that he has a real difficulty facing his stuttering. I could fairly well see that he was comparing himself against others and desperatelly fighting for fluency by possibly some self talk like this: "I must show them that I am not too disfluent. It would be awful if I was disfluent." In REBT we would show them that he can replace the self talk by the following. "Even though I do not like disfluency, I better not focus on it but on the technique that my speech therapist has taught me. If I cannot do it, this is a good opportunity to ask her how I can re-acquire my technique. I know although stuttering can be rather inconvenient, it is never awful. By awful I mean something unfair, something that I cannot stand, and something that precludes me from ever having fun again. Understanding all of this, I can calmly work on my speech and even have fun doing it."

However, he has not been trained is self talk, and like many people he is rigidly set in his ways. I kindly asked him what techniques he was trying to use. He rattled off some. When I asked to show me by doing them in an exaggerated manner, he would not hear of it. I really felt sad for him. 


10/29/97

Health

Still sicker than a dog. Tomorrow is the cardiologists turn, I will see if it is my heart.

REBToS

Talking to my son, Karl, about stock market on the phone not using my Kissinger voice because I was too involved in the conversation, I did have a couple servere blocks and the speech was not as flowing as when I use Kissinger voice. This is a data point for me. This was a positive situation, because I had picked amazon.com stock which even through the stock market gyration kept on going up. My son made about $15,000 in three weeks! He says if I don't invest in the stocks I pick, I will not make money. I told him stuttering therapy comes first! And yet I did not use my Kissinger voice. The following was my post mortem self talk:

Existential Gunars: I should have worked on my speech.

Rational Gunars: Should is a demand. Demands are not rational. Besides that the past is cast in stone. What will you do in future?

EG: I will try to use Kissinger's voice wherever possible.

RG: And don't have perfectionistic demands, eh?

EG: I won't. 


10/30/97

Health

In the morning: I will consider this the start of my diet. Each morning I will weigh myself and note if I have made any exceptions. I weigh 228 1/4 lbs on a muscular big boned frame of 6'. This morning I don't feel well, I have pressure on my chest and my vision is blurry. I am visiting my cardiologist and it will be interesting what he will find. (Probably I will be the first person who will "die online", e.g. I will keep my journal until I no longer can function. I would find a dying persons last thoughts interesting.)

At night: The cardiologist found my heart in good condition. The latest hypothesis is that when we rebuilt the kitchen the chemicals in the pressboards made my wife and me ill. There are chemicals such as formaldehyde used in them. So I might have to move out for a while, I guess. Leave my wifey and dog, eh?

REBToS

In the morning: Today I just try to use my Kissinger voice in every situation. If I remember to do it in 80%, I will be very happy. The objective is not how well I do my Kissinger voice, but only that I recall to do it. I have asked my wife to remind me to use Kissinger voice, by asking me "Are you using your Kissinger voice?" whenever she does not hear my deep, slow baritone.

At night: I have found that only in one out of six situations I was using my Kissinger voice. I just forgot. So I better rethink what is reasonable.


10/31/97

Health

Resolve to keep on diet religiously and exercise each day.

REBToS Status:

In the "laboratory" I have established Kissinger voice. I have this Kissinger voice on the tape. While speaking in this manner alone, I am aware that I am making all of the sounds and I constantly experiment with the elongation of the vowels, and then also the rate of speech. Taking it out to public, I was not disciplined enough. So I had a self talk with myself. I concluded even though it is hard it is not too hard. I have told my wife what I am doing and whenever I do not use my Kissinger voice she asks me, "Are you using your Kissy voice?"

Today I will put an index card in my pocket and talk in fewer situations than normal but always use my Kissinger voice. Regardless of whether the stock market crashes, I get fired, or my wife runs off with the garbage collector. I will mark down each situation and the percent of the time I used Kissy voice.

Miscellaneous

When I wake up I turn on my PC and activate PointCast program (freeware from net). It has a ticker at the bottom of headlines in the papers of my choice, both general and financial. I also watch the stocks that my son has bought. The advantage of PointCast ticker is that it shows only the stocks selected. I called up somebody from Mensa investment group and he is willing to teach me more about stocks. I am always thrilled to learn.

 


11/1/97

Health

Coughing. Four hours of sleep. Had a lapse in my diet with all that Halloween candy around. Next week I see a virologist.

REBToS

Transferring my Kissinger voice is quite a challenge. I wish my high school computer guru would hurry up to get my voice on the website, so I could really demonstarate what I am doing. (Actually Lane is doing a helluva good job. He is learning Java on his own time so he can give us the a voice to the Kissinger voice. I actually laid on him some rather demanding requirements!) Friday was a marvelous day of transferrence. Today my wife had to ask me a few times, especially when I was with my son and his bride to be, if I am using my "Kissy voice". That meant that I had gone back to my natural voice and some disflowingness. At sixty there is a lot of habit behind what I do. I am happy that disfluency is not the issue in my mind. It is a good sign that I am well on my way towared complete flowingness!

Miscallaneous

Ordered WebTV from at 11/1/97 at 11:35 pm. Should arrive in 7-10 days. I think that even though there will be growing pains this is truly going to be a revolution. My son heard Andy Grove, the CEO of Intel talk at UW giving Bill Gates some kind of award. Andy Grove who I consider one of the most technically savvy person in the world as well as being a top notch CEO considered web TV an "inflection point". I believe him. So if you want to get on the band wagon early call WebTV (Phillips Magnavox) at 800 294 9966 at www.800.com/webtv. The price is $199.00 & 19.95 per month. If you order 6 months service they will give you a $100 rebate in 3 months. The keyboard which I find to be sine non qua (i.e. necessary) is another $69.99. Printer interface is another $59.99 and the printer you will have to order on your own. It is an HP Inkjet that they support at this time. I opted not to buy it, because I have a HP Laserjet attached to my computer.

I will investigate Phillips Magnavox stock! I think they got a jump on Billy Gates. I think they can give him run for his money. But Billy has earned my respect for being nimble. He is trying to build the Web TV capability. I might even buy some of his stock. He is not a one trick pony!

My other big find has been http://www.pointcast.com/ This service is just marvelous. If I can combine it with Web TV, I will be in seventh heaven. Let me explain. They have a ticker tape of the major newspaper headlines (and the stocks that you have selected) at the bottom or top of your screen. If you click on any of the headlines you can pullup the corresponding story. You can actually select the type of newspaper, sports, weather, living, technology or stocks news service that is being accessed!

Happiness in life is involvement. I really feel happy in doing things and not evaluating whether my website is up to a reader's or even my own standards. Of course I would like to be liked, I would love to be loved, but I can readily settle for just being involved, deeply, sincerely...giving and possibly helping others...Like Albert Camus (dear reader, please surf the web for me and email me a good link to him) I really want to help other people on this earth... but do not demand that I can do it... but that does not mean I wont obstinately try...

I just realized the amazing potential I could tap, if people would only give me constructive feedback at neiders@halcyon.com So, dear reader, please email me your ideas! 


11/2/97

Health

Another lapse in diet. Rational self talk: Although I better not damn myself for not sticking to my plan, I can hardly expect to feel better if I do not do my part.

REBToS

I have an easier time using the Kissinger voice in the morning. (Kissinger voice is a low vibrant voice, with me being aware and in control of the sounds I make. The control part comes from using deliberate easy onset and elongation of the vowels.)  


11/3/97

Health

Finally stuck to my diet. My self talk: If I want to become healthier, I better just do it! There is no magic. Even though it is hard, it is not too hard!

REBToS

Wrote a good description of my Kissinger or laboratory voice. (See Handling Special Problems, I will try to set a hyperlink to it soon).

 


11/4/97

Health: 1) Weight control: Starting today I will record my weight as a feedback. 228 1/2 lbs goal 200 lbs. Optimum rate 1 - 2 lbs per week. Using both diet and exercise. 2) Today I have stress test on my heart. Last two days I have not slept well, so it will be interesting to note how I do on my heart test.

REBToS: Using my Laboratory Voice I have had an unusual attack of flowingness. I would say even fluency! Satan get thee behind me! Rational Self Talk, "I will not have a goal of perfect fluency. Remember the paradox: Desire for fluency, leads to demands for fluency, leads to stress, which leads to stuttering.

Even though my 12 point laboratory voice is OK for me, maybe when I teach it to other people, I will have to just emphasize easy onset of speech, continuous phonation, elongation of vowels, aware vibrating of vocal folds, and cancellation. This may be more manageable. ECEAC. 


11/6/97

Health: For my records and the masochistic readers who want to know the details of getting on in years, I have included a snapshot of my travail of getting any advice the medical establishment.

Patient: Gunars K. Neiders, Phd. Update 11/6/97

Problem: Inability to function properly on my job due to an undiagnosed illness and inability to do aerobic exercise which within half a year caused my stress test threshold to go down from 170% to 150% of the healthy 60 year old capability. Whenever I do aerobic exercise the symptoms such as cough, sore throat, feeling that I am sweating and vertigo increase the next day. This can be duplicated, if necessary!


Main Symptoms:
1. Inability to concentrate (feeling woozy, spaced out)
2. Tightness of chest-small irritating cough - almost constantly, more when tired, on the next day after exercising and after loss of sleep
3. Sore throat - one half of the time
4. Knee joint & muscle pain
5. Sensivity in the heart area, with heart palpitations approx once per night
6. Itching inside knee joints
7. Tiredness
8. Headaches (back of the head) - waxing and waning
9. Insomnia - after a sleepless night the symptoms intensify
10. Tingling around ankles (increased in past few weeks)
11. Pseudonumbness of feet (this has developed in the last month)
12. Sometimes can’t focus eyes

Unrelated:
20. Itching forehead
21. Excessive stomach gas

Historical data:
1. On July 4 I came down with severe sweats, headache, severe cough, knee joint and muscle pain, chest tightness, heart palpitations, totally spaced out and unable to think, insomnia, tiredness and dizziness. Now the sweats are gone, the other symptoms persist, although the cough is less severe.

Medicine:
Veralen (once a day)
Prilosec (once a day)

Treatment:
1. Health South - diagnosis viral pneumonia, later chest X-rays taken-negative, blood work - negative
2. Dr Ranninger - chest X-rays at Talbot Road Radiology-negative, erythromycin for suspected bronchitis (no effect)
3. Dr. Kovachevich sent me to Dr. Risa who ordered X-rays of sinuses at Valley Radiologists (negative), who referred to Dr. O’Neil
4. Dr. John Hynes, cardiologist, listened to my heart-no problems saw nothing unusual referred to pulmonary Dr. Bjurstrom
5. Dr. O’Neil - Diagnosis: Irritable Bowel Syndrome, referred to internist Dr. Dennis Dahlin for overall diagnosis (especially, why the cough) and general health management
6. HOWEVER, I WILL TRY DR. BJURSTROM FIRST TO SEE IF HE CAN HELP ME IN MANAGING MY HEALTH. Dr. Bjurstrom did additional tests. His office called or wrote to tell that nothing was found. I was left holding the bag with no diagnosis and no regimen that I should follow. Dr. Bjurstom then placed me on prednisone to elliminate my cough, which generally is now gone. But the inablity to focus, both mentally and my eyes, and a sweaty feeling remains.
7. October 19, 1997 got Flu shot and pneumonia shot.
8. I went to Dr. Rick Johnson, an allergist at 901 Boren # 1500 623-2181. No allergies were found and a lung test found my lungs OK. He suggested that I might have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. No management techniques were given.
9. I started to experience sensitivity, below the threshold or what I call pain, in the inside of my left arm and on the left handside of my neck. Dr. Hynes is out of office so I am going to his associate Dr. Holden on Oct.30, 1997.
10. Need to check with Bjurnstrom’s office if they checked out thyroid problems. Indeed they had and the results were negative. They could not find anything wrong with me and his nurse in his absence referred me back to my primary physician, although I have an upcomming appointment with him.
11. 10/30/97 Dr. John Holden, the backup cardiologist for Dr. John Hynes, examined my heart and found nothing wrong with it. I was scheduled for a stress test on November 11, 1997 at 3:45 pm. He recommended Dr. Peter Hashisaki for possible Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
12. Stress test with Dr. John Hynes on Wednesday Nov. 5, 1997. The test turned out to be normal, but my capacity threshold for treadmill decreased from 15min 20 sec to 13min x sec. 170% of capability to 150% of capability for a healthy 60 year old. Dr. Hynes did not want to judge my proposed diet. He also did not want to set up a diagnostic plan.
13. As a side issue Dr. Steve Risa either could not or would not diagnose a growth/open wound in my nose. It had a scab on it. I used antibiotic ointment and the scab disappeared, but now it acts like an open wound. 11/6/97
13. Appointment with Dr. Peter Hashisaki is on Thursday Nov. 6, 1997. He heard definite wheezing. Prescribed for me two inhalants, agreed with my exercise plan and my diet. I am to come back in a month. Dec. 4, 1997 at 11:05.

The Diet I Propose

Meal FoodCalories
Breakfast 1/4 cup oat bran 110
1/4 cup dried berries140
1 package Quaker Instant Oatmeal145
Lunch1 Healthy Choice Lean Pocket 220
1 tomato40
Snack1 lb canteloupe or a piece of fruit150
4pm1 Healthy Choice Dinner220
1 green veggie serving25
1 tablespoon mayonaise50
SupperFeta cheese80
Big Salad150
Olive Oil80
1 piece of fish150
1 square pumpernickel85
Bed1 apple70
Total1715

Proposed Exercise Schedule

DayAerobic ExerciseUpper Body Exercise
#18 minutes8 minutes
#29 minutes9 minutes
#310 minutes10 minutes
add 1 minute a dayadd 1 minute a day
untiluntil
30 minutes a day30 minutes a day

Now that I have a plan nailed down, I will use REBT to get me to follow it. These are my self talk statements: Even though it will be hard to stick to this plan I intend to stick to it verbatim. When I have company or I go out to eat, I will substitute items with the same number of calories and probably skip some meals ahead of time. I know it will take some time to settle in, but I have no plans to make exceptions. If I make exceptions, I will write down my self talk to find out why I made my exceptions.

REBToS: I fell into thinking again that I could become fluent. Even an old hand succumbs to tempting thoughts. I conjured up a set of measurements, or at least what I can measure instead of fluency. From now on I will use the measureable signs of progress, outlined in the handling special problems section. We are "score keeping animals". I wonder when the cavemen started to keep score?  


11/8/97

Miscellaneous: Updating the journal and working on the Handling of Special Problems such as Stuttering has become a chore. No more idle chatter.  


11/11/97

Miscellaneous: For a week I have felt really ill. Slept a lot and had hard time working either on my job or on my stuttering therapy. Time to get down to basics, reaffirm my priorities and get back on the track. My priorities are as follows: 1) Health, 2) Work, 3) Stuttering Therapy for my self, 4) Website, 5) Stocks...

The best thing I can do for my health is to keep on my diet, or adjust it so that I can keep on it. Whenever, I do not follow my diet I will fill out the REBT Self-Help form, found at the bottom of this journal page.


11/23/97

Health: The illness is beating the shit out of me! I have no energy, except to go to my job. Tomorrow I go to the doctor again.


11/29/97

Speech: Today I added a new section to the Stuttering Therapy. It is called sound samples. I am also updating the FAQs.


11/11/97

REBT SELF-HELP FORM

(A) ACTIVATING EVENTS, thoughts or feelings that happened just before I felt emotionally disturbed or acted self-defeattingly:

 

(C) CONSEQUENCE or CONDITION-disturbed feeling or self-defeating behavior-that I produced and would like to change:

 

 

(B) BELIEFS-Irrational BELIEFS (IBs) leading to my CONSEQUENCE (emotional disturbance or self-defeating behavior). Circle all that apply to these ACTIVATING EVENTS (A).(D) DISPUTES for each circled IRRATIONAL BELIEF. Examples: "Why MUST I do very well?" "Where is it written that I am a BAD PERSON?" "Where is the evidence that I MUST be approved or accepted?"(E) EFFECTIVE RATIONAL BELIEFS (RBs) to replace my IRRATIONAL BELIEFS (IBs). Examples: "I'd PREFER to do very well, but I don't HAVE TO." "I am a PERSON WHO acted badly, not a BAD PERSON." "There is no evidence that I HAVE TO be approved, though I would LIKE to be."
1. I MUST do well or very well.
2. I am a BAD OR WORTHLESS PERSON when I act weakly or stupidly.
3. I MUST be approved or accepted by people I find important!
4. I NEED to be loved by someone who matters to me a lot!
5. I am a BAD, UNLOVABLE PERSON if I get rejected.
6. People MUST treat me fairly and give me what I NEED!
7. People MUST live up to my expectations or it is TERRIBLE!
8. People who act immorally are undeserving, ROTTEN PEOPLE!
9. I CAN'T STAND really bad things or very difficult people!
10. My life MUST have few major hassles or troubles.
11. It is AWFUL or HORRIBLE when major things don't go my way!
12. I CAN'T STAND IT when life is really unfair!
13. I NEED a good deal of immediate gratification and HAVE to feel miserable when I don't get it!
Stuttering Specific Irrational Ideas:
50. I MUST speak perfectly fluently!
51. I CAN'T STAND working on my speech!
52. I MUST HAVE A guarantee that my speech will get better soon, if I work on my speech.
53. I CAN'T try to be aware of what I do to stutter.
54. It is TOO HARD to try to relax and apply my speech techniques.

(F) FEELINGS and BEHAVIORS I experienced after arriving at my EFFECTVE RATIONAL BELIEFS:

 

I WILL WORK HARD TO REPEAT MY EFFECTIVE RATIONAL BELIEFS FORCEFULLY TO MYSELF ON MANY OCCASIONS SO THAT I CAN MAKE MYSELF LESS DISTURBED NOW AND ACT LESS SELF-DEFEATINGLY IN THE FUTURE.


Restart of journal

10/25/98

For almost a year I have been doing a lot of work on stutt-l and stutt-x. Evolving and clarifying my thoughts on stuttering therapy. TMy health is still in toilet, and I have gained a lot of weight. I weigh 242 pounds!!!! I get sick when I really exercise.

The doctors where not able to uncover anything. I established my own diagnosis Chronic Fatigue Syndrome exacerbated by blood pressure medication.

Ordered 4 books on stuttering: Shapiro, Curlee, Manning, and Guitar (most recent editions). I am reading them and having fun.


Go Back